this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
