I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How naked do you want me to be?
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