Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
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The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
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The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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