I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
