i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
