and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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