Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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