I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
