I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
