Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
