Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
