So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
