This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
