Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
