apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
