so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
