you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
