WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
