I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
