The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
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someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
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im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.