Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.