Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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