last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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