Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
