just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
