I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
