Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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