if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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