You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
we're so committed to being not committed
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
