Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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