New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
