I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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