I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
