you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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