Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
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I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
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Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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