I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
