i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
