I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Randomize
