i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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