Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
