Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize