I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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