So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
