my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
