gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
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Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
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Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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