I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
