I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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