My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
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there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
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Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
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