could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
