all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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