the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
