maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
