I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
