trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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