I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize