I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
