Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
