So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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