Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
