after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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