I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
