when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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